Trying to help
someone deal with a death is awkward and difficult and suicide is
a million times worse. People who have lost a loved one not due to death
itself, but something as painful and awful as suicide, don't just have grief
weighing on their shoulders - they are experiencing anger, guilt, confusion, shock, horror and trauma that
goes beyond the "normal" after emotions of adeath.
They may not have known that their loved one was unhappy; they may be angry for
being left behind; they may feel guilty and hate themselves for not being able
to prevent it. The victims of suicide are not just limited to the person who
committed it - suicide leaves a life long mark on all those around it.
Although that is a painful position to be in, another one is
trying to help somebody
who has lost their loved one in this horrible way. Every person's
emotions and reactions are different, which is exactly what makes it so hard to
comfort them. Should you talk it through with them, or try to take
it off their mind? Should you reassure them, or try to avoid the subject?
Should you let them cry, or
try to make them heal? Helping someone who has lost a loved one through suicide
is not only awkward and difficult like natural death,
but also confusing,
and at times, painful. However, it is not impossible. Here are the basic ways
to support someone trying to cope with the
suicide of a friend, family member or generally a loved one.
1.
Keep quiet. If you are with someone who is grieving and don't know what to say, then don't
say anything. Don't feel obliged to speak, as you may very well accomplish exactly
the opposite of what you intend by saying something stupid. Sitting there in
silence may feel very awkward to you, but some of the greatest help
you can offer is simply to sitnext
to your friend, put your arm around their shoulders and let them cry in silence. Your presence next to that
person says the one thing that is most needed in those moments and says it more
eloquently than you ever could in words. It says, "I love you and
you are not alone!"
2.
Allow the bereaved
to say anything...or nothing at all. At various points in the process, your
friend will likely want to scream at
someone. Who that "someone" will be changes from moment to moment.
They may want to yell at God for not
keeping thesuicide from happening, at the deceased loved
one for not calling for help,
at anyone and everyone who had ever failed the deceased, including themselves.
They may want to say things that are absolutely crazy. In those moments, it is
essential for them to have friendsand family who will allow them to say these things
without judgement advice or
correction. If the person who is grieving says something hurtful or incorrect
or just plain stupid, don't use it as an opportunity to show off your
counselling skills. A simple statement such as this will be much more helpful:
"I love you. I know you are hurting beyond what I could ever understand;
but know that I'm here for you any time you need me, for as long as you need
me. And, I truly believe you are going to get through this." The person
probably knows that what they are saying is irrational (and is likely feeling guilty about
it), so unconditional acceptance and love in
those moments is powerful.
3.
Keep your phone on. A person who has lost someone to suicide will
very likely find that their sleep has
been stolen from them. They will wake up
in the middle of the night- if they were lucky enough to fall asleep in
the first place - and the loneliness and
sorrow will sometimes be overwhelming. During the first few weeks, it is
essential that the person has someone to call any time, day or night. They may
feel awkward or say they won't do it, but they may
very well find themselves needing a listening ear at three in the morning and
you can graciously sit and talk to them for as long as they need you. Physical
darkness can enhance the darkness someone feels inside; having someone to talk them through the night can help a
grief-stricken survivor get through until the sunrise reminds
them there is stillhope.
4.
Do things that show
you are thinking rather than just reacting. When there is a death, social custom causes the bereaved to be
drowned in flowers, calls of sympathy and letters in
the mail. These things are essential and appreciated. However, with all the
emotional trauma being dealt with, most of those things will be just a blur to
the person. Months later, they probably could not tell you who specifically
sent a card or flowers or
called in the days immediately after the suicide. What they will remember,
though, is the friend who does something that shows real thoughtfulness beyond social duty. These will be
specific to each individual circumstance, but the tips section below gives some
examples of things that have helped others in the same situation.
5.
Remember the
difficult dates. From the day of the
suicide until the wake, funeral, and burial are complete (i.e. - the
first week or two), the survivor will be surrounded by well-wishers. However,
that crowd quickly dissipates after the "official" social processes
have been completed, leaving the griever alone long before the pain has gone away. One way you can remind
that person that they are not alone is by remembering the tough dates. The
"month-markers" are the first that come to mind in a suicide. If the
loved one died on the 10th of October, your friend
will undoubtedly face particularly-difficult days on the 10 of November, the 10th
of December, the 10th of January and so forth. The first 6 months to a year are
especially rough to get through (perhaps longer for some), and a call or a note
on those month marks will do more than you can imagine to communicate to the
person that you truly care. Other dates that are difficult include the deceased
person's birthday,
any special days they shared (for example, if it's a partner or spouse that has
passed away, the date of their anniversary or first date)
and special holidays.
The greater the joy previously associated with a date, the greater potential
for sorrow now.
6.
Know that you don't
have to be a superhero. By realizing that you don't have to fix everything, you can be
the "first responder" who helps your friend get
through the most critical time in those days following the worst day of their life. Keeping these suggestions in mind will
set you miles apart from many who will be kind,
but not really infuse hope to a person who probably feels like there is no
reason even to look to the future.
Instead of ordering flowers or sending a card, do something
personal such as taking any of the following to the house. Not only will it
take some burden off the family,
but ease the expenses and help others during the awful time: a cooler with ice,
plastic cutlery, paper plates, a pie or cake, casserole,
beverages, a collection of tea bags
(calming teas without caffeine) or something handmade.
Anything that you would like returned should have your name attached to it.
·
Doing things for the person that will really stand out is a very
individual process. Three examples:
o Make sure your
friend is eating well. You may notice that your friend
has lost their appetite,
because, as one can imagine, the situation has caused the person to stop caring
about their body. Try to make sure that they're getting
enough nutrition -
even if it means having to supply them with meal replacement drinks for a
while.
o Offer to attend
special events with your friend, especially those that they used to attend with
the deceased. For example, say your friend and his spouse (the deceased) would
go to the cinema every Tuesday night. Offer to go with
them the first time they would have gone without the spouse.
o Put together a CD of
music specifically chosen for lyrics that offer hope without claiming to
have all the answers. Things like that require creativity and thought, but they will never be
forgotten.
·
Computer
programs can be great
helps in remembering the difficult dates. If you use Microsoft
Outlook or some such
program for your appointments, you can set up a reminder for
just about anything, including those days you need to remember to call a
friend. Set up those reminders on the month-mark days or other significant days
in your appointment program or date book and stop by for a visit or
give your friend a call on
those days; it's a simple thing that speaks volumes.d
Warnings
·
Don't assume that you know what "recovery" will look
like. Realize that your friend will never be the same person you knew before.
They have been permanently changed by this tragedy. This is not necessarily an
entirely-bad thing, but they may very well approach life with a bit more
sombreness or deal with "blue" moods more than they did before.
·
Don't assume a "proper" time frame for grieving. Each
person's grief process is unique. Most suicide survivors will tell you that it
takes a minimum of 1-2 years for any sense of routine or "normalcy"
to return to a life. Determine from the start that you will be there for your
friend as often as they need you, for as long as they need you; and remind them
of that fact often!
·
The person may lash out at you,
more than once. They may feel that you "just can't understand",
"don't get it", or simply are too angry and scared to be rational and
clear at this moment in time, as previously stated. Remember that they are not
in a frame of mind where you should take their words to heart. If they want
space and time alone, then be sure to respect that. But if they seem resentful,
bitter, angry or even hateful towards you, don't take it as you normally would.
After all, these are not normal circumstances.
·
Be very cautious about offering advice, particularly during the early weeks. Surviving the loss of a loved one to suicide is a very long
process that will take months and years, not days and weeks. In the initial
weeks of trauma, the survivor's ability to receive advice or criticism will be
severely diminished. If you feel compelled to offer advice, probably the best
advice you can give is very gently to encourage the person to talk to a
professional therapist or
religious advisor who has had training and experience helping those in similar
circumstances. But even then, don't force it! Always be positive and
encouraging, never critical.
·
Patterns of grieving may be quite different from one culture to
the next. If the bereaved person is of a different culture than your own,
behavior and emotions that may seem unusual or exaggerated to you may be a
normal and expected reaction for them.
·
Don't hesitate to recommend that your friend seek the
professional assistance of a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist --
particularly if there are symptoms which are not characteristic of a
"normal" grief reaction. These include:
o Guilt about things
other than actions taken or not taken by the survivor at the time the death.
o Thoughts of suicide.
o Morbid preoccupation
with worthlessness.
o Prolonged and marked
inability to get on with one's daily activities.
o Hallucinatory
experiences other than thinking that one hears the voice of, or transiently
sees the image of, the deceased person.
Source unknown- email, M. Hood, October 27,2014
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